Diary of a MILF in Progress

Mama said there'd be days like this...

It's hard to feel poised when you are juggling the grocery bags and a purse and the handouts from the grade database training while trying to hold the baby's hand to keep him from running into the street.

It's hard to feel desirable when there is glue on your hand from helping with the nature collage and your lipstick has faded and there is a run in your stockings.

It is hard to feel pretty when you've had to skip your hairwash because you overslept and your allergies are making your eyes too dry to accomodate your contact lenses.

It's hard to feel confident when your head hurts and you are retaining water and you find it hard to concentrate and you aren't sure whether you can get dinner cooked in time once you get home from work.

Sometimes, it's just hard.

If only he knew...

Husband looked at me today admiringly.

"Did those jeans used to be really tight?" he asked.

"Not particularly," I said. "Are they really tight now?"

"I was just thinking that they look good," he replied. "Very good."

"Thank you," I resonded, a bit surprised. "I've been using the treadmill a few times a week, I'm trying to tone up some."

"I noticed," Husband said. "We should...take care of that later. Whatever it is you're doing, keep on doing it."

Somehow I don't think it would be advisable to tell him exactly what I've been doing that has me feeling so much more approachable lately.

Labels: Real life

Perspective

This blog is not Diary of an Affair. My initial post and the follow-ups to what happened in it were, indeed, focused on what could have been the start of something very damaging to my marriage.

But that's not what's happening here. My husband is a wonderful man. He cares for me and he desires me, still. But last week showed me that I did not lose an appeal even though my shape is...doughier than it was before children. And my complexion is not as evenly clear as it was a decade ago. Hectic schedules and the worries associated with a family may have taken their toll on my sleep schedule and my system.

While I was away, though, I was reassured that all those "deficiencies" don't matter. That there is something about me that is attractive- I've already attracted my husband's attention, so this was a reassurance that was impossible for him to provide. And that reassurance also sparked a motivation in me.

I may have crossed into middle age. I may drive a minivan, and go to the grocery in sweats and a ponytail. But underneath it all, I've got something. And if I want to keep that "something" I will need to focus on fostering it. I've gotten back on the treadmill, because I owe it to myself to firm up and be in better shape. I walked into the office with a bit more confidence, no longer feeling like the polished and put together image was an act. Was it flattering to know that there were people paying attention to how my legs looked? hell, yes. But any of the thrill I got from the extra attention was held in reserve until I got home last night.

Who would have suspected that a hotel flirtation would be so good for my married love life?

Labels: new identity