Diary of a MILF in Progress

Who are you calling cootie queen, you lint licker?!

In the land of parents who blog, I find myself a mere wisp of a being compared to Danny.  Seriously, not only can the man write, but he has a great talent for pulling great material from his readers.

In his post today, he has touched on cursing as a writing tool (heh, I said "tool") and encouraged that we share our favorite curses.  Now, I have three parrots under-10 children in my house, so much of my cursing has been curtailed in the past decade.  And, once you train yourself to refrain from saying things that you don't want repeated in mixed company, you may find that your writing voice is full of euphamisms and non-curse curses as well. 

I had a vocabulary in college that made some fraternity boys and sailor cringing at my inappropriateness.  Yes, sweet little blond-haired Dana used to burn the ears off of many of her male counterparts without breaking a sweat.  Unfortunately, times have changed.  My "shit-fucking-hell-goddamn son of a toothless whore" days are long past.  Bad drivers have become, at worst, jackholes or dipsticks.  The bank teller who mis-input my deposit and forgot one of the zeroes, causing me some angst when I checked my balance, is nothing more than an incompetant moron craphead.

This is my solemn vow- I will no longer censor myself on this site.  I have missed the tangible release of tension that comes from a well-placed vulgarity, and it's time for me to let loose again.  You, my dear readers, are forewarned.  Because there is a lot of pent-up potty talk here.

You can tell it's a good party if...

• you've forgotten the house number, but have no problem finding the location because of the jazz band playing in the tent in the front yard
• the hostess, whom you have never met, has already offered  you a plate of food before she has actually confirmed that you know her husband
• conversations regarding (a)the outstanding brew space in the hosts' basement, (b) a comparative discussion of fiber availability and knitting techniques in US vs. Australia, and (c) sharing of anecdotes of interactions with celebrities last for a good ten minutes before anyone involved thinks to exchange names
• a friend from the office openly encourages (no, outright orders) her husband to check out your ass
• said viewing of one's rear end encourages a postive appraisal, not only from friend's husband, but also the host and two other guests who were within earshot of the conversation
• you manage to try two of the homemade wine selections, three of the homemade beer varieties, and four dessert selections without ever having to leave the porch swing
• when the party winds down, and one of the people with whom you are leaving suggests possibly stopping off at a bar, the only reason to say "no" is the sudden realization that it's already past 1:00 a.m. and nothing is open

...In Which Dana Realizes That She is Kinda Naughty

I am absolutely shocked by how many people watched last night episode of Private Practice and were not familiar with the use of a showerhead to...y'know.  Jeebus, that's one of the primary reasons I make sure I have a handheld showerhead when I build a bathroom! 

Slippery slope

I saw Casey as we were leaving the office last Friday.  He was parked near me in the garage, and Dan had just dropped him off (having transported him from the secondary garage near our new building) as I was starting my engine.  I turned the car off, and stopped to chat.  He said he planned to come to the office more often, as his ability to get information and assistance from people tended to be hindered by working from home.  I filled him in on the comings and goings of some of the other staff, including a good friend of mine for whom I was going to a farewell happy hour within minutes.

We left with a promise to touch base when he was in this week, since the department was conducting group training all week for staff from all of the branch offices.  We made tentative plans for a happy hour of our own next week, when his time was not quite so regimented with group activities.  Then we set off to the weekend, our families, the typical flotsam and jetsam of our real lives.  I had a wedding to attend, and a night in watching the kids while The Husband worked on  Saturday.  He was recuperating from a back injury, and planned to lay low for a few days.

But now I find myself paying a little more attention to how I'm dressed in the morning, wearing the colors that The Husband doesn't much care for on me, but that have elicited compliments from co-workers.  I get a girly, giddy feeling for a moment when the training breaks and the guys stop by to say hello.  My trips around the building sometimes consist of a more roundabout route that cause me to walk past the marketing cubicles.  And I'm looking forward to a small happy hour with Casey a bit more than I generally do a trip out with a friend from work.  I haven't lied to The Husband about where I'm going that night, but have made it easy for him to form an impression that may or may not line up with reality 100%.

Hmmm...

I'm such an online quiz whore

Halloween Candy Quiz You are a Chocolate Bar Like the chocolate bar you are naughty but oh so good Find out which Halloween Candy you are at Quizopolis.com

Halloween Monster Name Your Halloween Monster Name is Dana the Treacherous Fire Breathing Executive Hand Holder Get Your Halloween Monster Name at Quizopolis.com

What must people think of me?

Shel and I were walking next door to grab some breakfast.  I told her that our boss had stopped by my cubicle to ask me something, and I happened to be on a non-work related website. 

"Did she see it?" Shel asked.  "She may not have even noticed."

"I hope she didn't," I replied.  "I mean, it wasn't all flashing icons and sound and stuff, but still..."

"Eh, it wasn't pr0n, was it?"  she asked, and withered at my death glare.  "Kidding!  Jeez!"

So we bought our stuff, although the dude making my chai took about FOREVER to finish.  And as we walked back to the office, she told me of the older guy who works at the cafe who approached her to let her know that he was a Church Elder, and asked her if she was a Christian.  Which she is very much not.  Not that I'm saying she's a heathen or evil or anything, just that she's pretty firmly Jewish, and therefore isn't so much on board with the whole existence of Jesus and all.  And he told her that she should become Christian, since Jesus is always watching us.

"How do you respond to that?" she asked me.  "Is it just me or was that exchange sort of wierd?"

"Well, I respond 'yes' when someone asks if I'm Christian, so I'm not really sure what to tell ya," I countered.

"LIE?  You want me to lie?!"

"No, I just don't know what you should say.  I mean, I could use a definition of 'Christian' that means that you are the type of person who embodies the values and treatment of people that were exemplified by Jesus Christ...and...um..."

"Yeah, well, I don't think that'll work.  I mean, we don't really subscribe to his life, y'know?  Anyway, wasn't that just sort of...whatever?"

"Yeah," I told her, "that's pretty much part of why I don't evangelize.  I totally happy with my faith, and I'm happy to share it with anyone who wants to talk about it, but I'm not exactly looking to recruit.  But then again, I'm not everyone's favorite example of the perfect Christian.  I got kicked out of the Christian sorority in college because my morals weren't high enough, so..."

"Seriously?  And to think, you got offended when I said you were visiting an adult website on your office computer."

"No," I clarified, "I was not offended by that.  I was offended that you would think I was dumb enough to use work time and a company owned computer for it.  What any consenting adult looks at during their own time in the privacy of their own homes, well, have at it."

Baby steps...

Well, the week may be looking up.  Both Dan and Casey are in the office today.  I've gotten two unsolicited compliments on my handknit, v-backed, stripey ribbed sweater.   My friend Kim, who serves on the sales team with Dan and Casey, was in today and brought some extra-dark chocolate to share (65% cacao; it is totally to die for.)  My sinus infection has finally gone away, so I plan to enjoy a glass of wine tonight, or a mojito, or maybe a rum-n-cola.  Or maybe I should just jump straight to vodka shots.

Oh, and it's delurking day.  I know there are at least four of you reading (I've seen the stats).  Come on, y'all, show me the love.  Mwah!

So...like...anyway

Yeah.  Children=having issues.  Husband= whiny-ass drama queen.  Work=wicked busy (conference was last week, recovery is this week).  Office eyecandy=nowhere to be seen.  This blog=boring.  Dana=pulling herself through the day and hoping to snap out of the fog soon.