Diary of a MILF in Progress

Maybe I'm trying to up my score

I was amused by the curse-o-meter thing.  But it raises some questions for me.  Is the percentage based on the number of posts in which I cuss, or the amount of cussing overall?  I mean, suppose I had ten posts on my blog, and one of them was a shit-spewing tirade of epithets, enough to make both Neil and Danny cringe and say "Girl, d'you kiss your daddy with that mouth?!" while the other nine were all sweetness and sunshine-y with bunnies flying out my ass?  Would the volume of cursing in the one post overpower the lack of same in the other nine?  Or would my blog earn a tame "10% cursing" rating?  Are all curse words created equal, or does a well placed 'fuck' (and honestly, who doesn't appreciate a well placed fuck?) carry more weight than other words?  Will a forthright discussion of religion ping the curse sensors, what with the damnation and sentencing to Hell?  Is the meter sensitive enough to understand 'twatwaffle'?  What other crude euphemisms count toward my total?  Should I bump the discussions toward farm animals and domesticated felines, in order to skew the results toward the raunchy, even when I'm not talking about sex?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I told you I had a potty mouth

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The figure above is 115%  more cussing than average.  Hell, yeah!

Explicit material: adult discretion advised

The Huband was out of town for the weekend.  I had already arranged for a babysitter to care for the children after I finished work.  I had an evening to myself, and was ready to admit that my willpower was weak.

I knew, deep in my heart, that visiting the House of the Rising Sun would be too much temptation for me.  Yet, through the doors I stepped.  By my own choice, I was giving in, and being naughty never felt so nice. 

Oh, it started innocently enough.  A little flirty, and slightly whimsical.  One step and I knew there was no turning back, though.  The gentle caress made me sigh, and I felt a bit lightheaded.  As my euphoric feelings grew, I became a bit more bold.  My next encounter was more polished, but with a stronger  hold.  I felt my blood pumping faster and faster as I moved on, more wild and untamed, and a bit showier.  Then, the ultimate...

Four inch heels, fabulous pointy toes, the sassy faux buckle to cover up any toe cleavage.  I think I just had a shoegasm.

Because life is one, big Charlie-Foxtrot

Murphy's Law is this: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."  Murphy can bite me.

I was home with a feverish child yesterday (he wasn't feverish anymore, actually, but school rules are such that the child must be fever-free for 24 hours before being allowed back.)  As a result, I was not picking up voicemail messages and I was not my usual quick-responding self in regard to emails.  So, of course, that meant that one of the bigwigs needed me to schedule a conference call for today with himself, another corporate bigwig, and two of our volunteer bigwigs.  And, of course, the two internal bigwigs had schedules that allowed for maybe a cumulative total of 90 minutes over the course of the day during which this call could be scheduled.  And, to add insult to injury, one of the external bigwigs was away from his office, and his assistant did not have the details of his schedule available.  Sooooo, when I finally got the schedule information for everyone involved (i.e., 5:45 this morning, since the final message came in after I went to sleep last night), I was able to determine that the call could not happen with all of the necessary parties, and I had to create a convoluted matrix of calls to provide opportunities for all of the interested parties (and the parties who weren't interested at all, but had to be involved anyway) to obtain and respond to the relevant information.

There was a speaker seminar at our office today, and our CEO invited a few of our local volunteer bigwigs to attend.  One of them, who can be somewhat of a high maintenance lady, gladly accepted both the offer to attend and the CEO's kind offer that we would arrange for a car service to transport her to and from our fine facility.  And, like a good worker bee, I contacted the car service via email to give the address and timing information, and requested a response to confirm.  I got the response, and was therefore not concerned about whether the car would show up to pick up Ms. I-Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Drive-My-Own-Damned-Self-From-Northern VA-To-MD.  So imagine my distress first thing this morning at having multiple voicemail messages from the car service guy, left during the course of the day yesterday, saying that he needed some clarification.  I spoke with car service guy as soon as I got his messages, and he told me that he had conctacted my lady directly last night, and everything was A-OK.  Silly me, assuming that his assurance would result in the driver assigned to said job showing up at the address I gave him, as opposed to an address with a similar name (different spelling) in a whole other Northern VA city (different county, too, technically).  Since we all know how much I love to be stared at when I walk into a room at work, my comfort level at having to come in the front door of the auditorium in the middle of the speaker's presentation to walk bigwig to her reserved seat is pretty easy to predict, yes?

The School Aged Progeny are on Spring Break from now until next Thursday.  The Husband is on Spring Break from now until March 31, and is using the extra days that he has off (sans childcare responsibilities) to go on a mini-golf vacation.  I had scheduled myself some time off early next week, with the intention of going away solo, with the cover story that I was going to some offsite training.  A friend from work (whose name I shall not mention in an effort to let everyone make whatever the hell assumptions come to mind, since speculating and gossiping is fun) was also scheduled to take some time off and we had planned to spend some time not working and not having the day-to-day hassles that our lives entail.   Which is fun and great and all, except that said friend just got word that the time off isn't going to happen because of having to cover a screwup on the part of another department.  So, I canceled by leave (pending a reschedule when both our schedules permit). I tweaked my cover story with The Husband, telling him that I am going to reschedule my training so that I can be here next week, since I've missed so much time during the past couple weeks with illness (mine or the kids').

Right at this moment, life is flipping me the bird.

(So, I lied about censoring myself.  Sue me.  I like to see how many people get the implied cursing in some of the terms I use.)

Ain't no way in HELL I take part in this!

I don't think so. I'm not a heavy curser, but that right there is not fucking going to happen. I'll be damned if someone is going to tell me that I curse if I want to. Maybe if I'm on TV or the radio, or is someone asks me nicely to refrain in church or in front of their children or whatever. But a cuss-free zone? That's just bullshit.

That about sums it up...

I am sqeeing like a little fangirl

oh. mah. gawd.

I am going to see Rick Effing Springfield play a free concert during Memorial Day weekend.  How can you not love the man who brought this fabulousness to the airwaves:

The combination of the stalker-y surveillance outside of the motel room and the guitar riffs conducted amongst the police cars is priceless.

I had to have the front page, bold type...

Dear readers, I never claimed to be a big shot. But Neil over at Citizen of the Month began his Great Interview Experiment, and I decided to try out fame for a day or two. Here is the basic premise, in case you have not taken the time to follow the link that is right there in front of you (no, that's fine, I understand. You are so very busy and important that you can't be bothered. That's cool...)- comment on the post, and your name goes in the queue. I was interviewed by Egghead, Jr. of Life, the Universe and Everything a few weeks back.  I tweaked a couple of my responses to correct the timing (one made reference to "yesterday" but refers to something from a few weeks back) but have not done any additional editing of my original answers. So, without further ado, here is "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Dana, but Was Afraid to Ask!" Or, more realistically, "A Bunch of Things You Probably Never Gave a Damn About Regarding Dana, but It's Her Blog, So You Can Humor Her and Pretend that She's Interesting."

What’s the best thing that has happened so far today?
Maybe I should choose another day to answer this, because today has been another one of those days… In all seriousness, though, it’s not as bad as it could be. Today is unseasonably warm, so and the sun was shining quite brightly as I drove the kids to school. My younger son (who turns 5 very, very soon) was being very cute, talking to the hockey player bobblehead on his dresser- he made me laugh. Oh, and when I stopped in a co-worker’s office on my way to the vending machine, she had Heath Bar cookies.

Starbuck’s hot chocolate and M & M’s sound like a pretty good way to start the day. Is this a regular thing?
No, I’m trying very hard not to have that be a regular thing! I’ve been working very hard to eat well and be active because I’ve noticed some of my clothing getting a bit too snug. But I had IT issues and a performance review and other various work stresses all before 10:30 on the day I posted my 'breakfast of champions', so massive doses of chocolate were kind of necessary.

Do you own any wingtip shoes?
Not at the moment. I had a pair I considered buying a number of years ago, but didn’t do it, and now my style has changed to the point that high heels are much more prominent in my wardrobe than oxfords are. Although I wonder if my spectator pumps might be categorized as wingtips?

What do you have to say about SUVs?
The Husband and I own one, but I almost never drive it. We’ve got an SUV and a minivan, since smaller cars tend not to fit the booster seats for the kids all that well. There’s a good amount of cargo space, too, which is necessary when he has to haul a lot of music equipment to either a school event or his pop band gigs. When my minivan gets replaced, I’d like to get an SUV, since some of the car companies are making the hybrids and flex-fuel options (that won’t be for awhile though, since the van is still under 100K miles). I don’t like big vehicles just for the sake of big vehicles, though. I know people who have one kid and never need the storage space, but they just like to have a huuuuge truck that takes up too much parking space and costs a fortune to gas up.

What’s in your CD player?
The one in the car has a CD I made with songs from “Sports Night.” It’s kind of an eclectic mix- Starland Vocal Band, Tom Waits, Three Dog Night, Neil Finn, Sting, Tommy James and the Shondells… The CD player at home has the kids’ CD’s in it, I think, because I tend to listen to my iPod or one of the music channels on our cable system.

What magazines do you subscribe to?
Right now, just a couple knitting magazines. I sometimes buy magazines at the store, if something catches my eye (“People”, “Prevention”, or the women’s magazines with the gazillion “How to lose weight while drinking margaritas and eating chocolate and turning your children into genius philanthropists!” articles). I’m so scattered with what I feel like reading during any given week that I don’t really commit to magazines, but knitting is such a consuming hobby for me, and I am always wanting to have new things to try instead of old, boring stuff that looks like the stereotype people have about knitting- you know, the 80 year old making cozies for all the appliances.

Are you superstitious? If so, please describe.
About some things, I guess. I don’t subscribe to the “13 as an unlucky number/breaking mirrors/black cat” type of superstitions. But if my team is in the playoffs, and they won the game when I was wearing my striped scarf and not the game when I wore no scarf, you better believe I’m wearing that scarf to watch every single game for the rest of the season! I also kind of believe in karma or divine justice- I know bad actions will probably come back to bite me, and I hope that the people who treat me like crap get their comeuppance as well (did I just use the word “comeuppance”? I guess I am 80 now!)

Is there something important that I’ve forgotten to ask?
I don’t know. Is there anything else important that anyone wants to know? I don’t say that to be flip, actually, but I’m not a good judge of what anyone considers important about me. I just talk a lot, and hope that I’m not boring everyone to death.

aaaand, that's about it.  So, go check out Neil, and go check out Egghead, and when you have a chance, also go check out Jen, who I interviewed.  Visit her now to get to know her, and visit her again when she's had a chance to post the interview!